Weekly Occassional Observations

1. So, the Yankees went down in flames again. Problem is, this time Yankee fans can't blame A-Rod.

2. Britney lost custody of her kids. She celebrated drowned her sorrows in bottles of vodka.

3. The Braves are announcing that GM John Schuerholz is resigning. The Braves are kind of thankful, since now they can release his minor league for life son.

4. Rudy Giuiliani is trying to get conservatives to back him by bashing Hillary Clinton. Problem is, he is still Rudy Giuiliani.

5. Michael Vick has been ordered to repay $20 million in bonus money to the Falcons. Vick is upset saying "How am I supposed to repay it, all my dogs are gone?"

6. I am shocked, shocked I say that Reggie Bush allegedly received $280k in benefits while at USC. I would have put the money at $500k.

7. Allan Houston is returning to the Knicks. Just what they need, another over the hill shooting guard.

8. Don Imus is returning to the NY airwaves in December. Just in time for the holidays. I wonder what special programming he will unveil for Hanukah and Kwanzaa?

9. ESPN will air the first 2 rounds of the Master starting next year. Great, another sporting event ruined.

10. Just wondering, do the Yanks think it was $22 million well spent on the Depleted Rocket?

11. Pamela Anderson Lee Rock whatever the hell her name is got married recently to the guy who did a porn tape with Paris Hilton. She is also pregnant with his child. I guess once you have Hepatitis C, herpes is the least of your problems.

12. This just in, Britney did not show for a court appearance today. I expect wall to wall coverage of this on all the cable news channels for the next week.

13. Former President Jimmy Carter has called VP Cheney a "disaster". Pot, meet kettle.

14. Speaking of disasters, Meet the Mets!

15. All those Yankee fans who sent that lovely "Mets Fans Conversion Letter" email must be feeling a tad stupid right now eh?

16. Isles 2, Rangers 1. Combined goals this season for Chris Drury and Scott Gomez - 1. Combined Points - 3. Combined Salary - about $14 million. Yep, good contracts.

17. Al Gore has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Odd, I thought Al invented it?

18. Let's get something clear, Joe Torre's contract EXPIRED. He is not being "fired" if he does not return as manager, he is simply not being re-signed. This is basic stuff that seems to have escaped the minds of 98.26% of the NY and National media.

19. Tony LaRussa is being linked to the Yankee job. Oh, please make this happen. He'd be the perfect 21st Century Billy Martin.

20. The family of deceased Notre Dame football star George Gipp had his body exhumed this week. Word is the Republican Party wants to do the same with Ronald Reagan.

21. Vinny Testaverde has signed with the Carolina Panthers. Shit, there goes the Jets shot at the #1 overall pick.

22. Someone explain to me why after their god-awful showing against the Bills for heaven's sake, we are supposed to think the Cowboys stand a chance against the Patriots?

The (not so) Weekly Observations/Rants

1. So, despite all the claims in the media last week that something must be amiss, Pedro Martinez returned from his home in the DR and threw a simulated game. Since he had not returned after 10 days, the press thought he must be injured and ran with it. I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for any of them to say "Oops, I guess I was wrong."

2. Michael Vick is under indictment for various charges related to dog-fighting. If found guilty, I say they lock him up with a few of the dogs he didn't slam to the ground until they died. Maybe strap his ass into the rape chair too, just for shits and giggles.

3. The Islanders resigned Chris Simon, who still has 5 games left on his 25 game suspension for trying to take the head off of Ryan Hollweg. Yeah, he's a good guy to have on the team.

4. The Isles also announced that Al Arbour will coach for 1 game on November 3, bringing his total games coached to 1,500. I have nothing snarky to say here.

5. Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, said recently he has a "gut feeling" Al Queda may attack the US this summer. Michael, the only "gut" I want to hear from is that of Willie Randolph, OK? Take some Zantac and your gut will feel better. If you are that concerned, well, PROTECT THIS COUNTRY!

6. The Mets called up Anderson Hernandez following the injury to Jose Valentin. Seems the Mets felt, after the release of Julio Franco, they were missing a guy who could barely hit 190.

7. Someone explain to me why it wwas bad for Lastings Milledge to hi-5 fans after a game tying home run (off of Armando Benitez no less), but when Shelly Duncan hits a home run in a game the Yankees are leading by a tounchdown, it is OK for him to give a curtain call? Oh, that's right, Duncan is a Yankee, and they are all class all the time. That and of course he isn't "gangsta".

8. Barry Bonds is now 3 away from breaking Hank Aaron's record. Of course, even if he doesn't break it, Barry will hold the all time record for "Most Home Runs hit by a guy using the Cream and the Clear". So he's got that going for him.

9. Roger Clemens won his 351st game last night, beating the Royals. I'm sorry, do the Royals still count as a Major League team?

10. Drew Carey is set to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price is Right". Apparently, after Rosie turned them down, they went with the next available out of work "comedian".

11. Alexi Yashin has decided to return to Russia to play hockey after no NHL team met his asking price. I'm thinking Carol Alt ain't gonna be happy about spending winters in Minsk.

12. David Beckham has joined the Los Angeles Galaxy of the MLS. And that is about how much time I spend caring about Soccer.

13. The last Harry Potter book was released and sold quite well. I just couldn't get over the fact that Voldermort was exposed as the man behind the Yankees all this time.

14. Gary Sheffield, still a nimrod.

15. A spokesman for the German Protestant Church has called Tom Cruise the "Goebbels of Scientology". Well, I guess a German would know all about that eh? Here's a tip, when Cruise oversees the attempted extermination of a race of peoples, then you can bleat. Until then, STFU.

16. Sergio Garcia chokes like Armando Benitez facing the Braves. And those pants, for the love of Pete, get this guy on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" quick.

17. Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy is under suspicion for betting on NBA games, including games in which he was working. Reached for comment, Pete Rose said "I'll give you 10-1 that he goes away for 5 years."

18. Certain fat over-rated pompous asses (AKA, Mike Francessa) are saying the NBA issue is worse than the Vick issue. Yeah, I can see how betting on games where nobody faced any physical harm can be worse than a man who had dogs fight each other to the death, had dogs killed who didn't measure up to standards, and owned a dog "rape chair". Sure, they are very equal.

19. Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend has dumped her since she is too "boring" now that she is out of re-hab. What, does the booze monitoring ankle bracelt she has taken to wearing interfere with fun in the bedroom?

20. Starbucks is raising prices by 9 cents. So, already overpriced awful coffee becomes more expensive.

21. Another year, another Tour de France leader being accused of doping.

22. So the Yanks have won a few games of late, beating the Tampa Rays and the Royals. Let me know when they beat a good team, OK?

Weekly Observations 4/11/07

1. Our long national nightmare is over. We finally know Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy. Of course, Larry King will do stories on this for the remainder of the week.

2. Al Sharpton versus Don Imus. I'll pick the meteor to win Alex.

3. Yep, sure am sad the Mets didn't sign Jeff Weaver and Jeff Suppan this offseason.

4. Hey Barry Zito, how's it working out for you with the "no ego" guys?

5. The ghosts caught up and it is game over for Pac Man Jones. (did you like that, two puns in one sentance. I'm in a zone.)

6. NFL Teams will lose draft picks if guys they draft get into trouble. If only you couold get more picks if the guys you draft suck, the Jets would have had a better shot. Then again, maybe not.

7. Ed Belfour, goalie for the Florida Panthers, was tasered at a Florida bar by police. Eddie tried to use the blocker, but the cop went stick side. Could have been worse, he could have gone five hole.

8. The Yankees are blaming cold weather for the leg injuries suffered by Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui. That's an improvement from last year, when they would have blamed A-Rod.

9. Speaking of A-Rod, he has 6 homers in the Yankees first seven games, including a game winning grand slam. Of course, the next time he drops a pop-up, the boos will return.

10. The score is 3-1, with Derek Jeter leading in errors. Of course, Yankee fans blame A-Rod for Jeter's fielding woes, since he dares to occupy the same side of the field.

11. I have to ask Imus, Don, have you looked at YOUR hair lately?

12. Kevin Durant is turning pro after one year in the NCAA. I'm stunned. A young man leaving college early?

13. President Bush is trying to find a retired General to be war "czar" to oversee efforts in Irag and Afghanistan. So far, 3 retired 4-star Generals have declined the role. They all claimed draft deferments based on being in college.

14. President Bush's spy chief is asking for expanded surveillance powers. This is a first, this time they are actually asking for permission to read your mail, tap your phones and see what library books you took out.

15. A NYC couple moving to Arizona has hired a cab to drive them rather than flying. Their rationale was that if they are going to be stuck waiting for 6 hours, better in a cab than on a plane.

16. A female Brooklyn Law School student appeared in a soft core porn show for Playboy. Now there are questions as to her moral fitness to be a lawyer. Wait, they decide whether someone is moral enough to be a lawyer? Since when?

17. The student claimed she did not know how the video got leaked. Her ex-boyfriend claims she linked to it on her My-Space page. He also said he is worried about his future since he appeared in the video briefly and does not want his future employer to find out. He said all of this in the newspaper. Under his own name. This guy is too stupid to be a lawyer.

18. NASCAR driver Michael Waltrip was charged with reckless driving after a crash. He hit a telephone pole and rolled his car. He was surprised when no one came to pull him out of the window or had a fire exstinguisher.

19. This Sunday, all members of several MLB teams will wear #42 in honor of Jackie Robinson. Of course, George Steinbrenner thinks it is in honor of Mariano Rivera.

20. Manny Acta, manager of the Nationals, thinks his team can replicate the job the 2006 Marlins did. Well, they have no good players to dump in a trade like the Marlins did before last season. And they have no good young talent. Manny should hope the Nats are as good as the 1999 Marlins (who went 64-98).

21. LA Angel Garrett Anderson will not be wearing Robinson's #42, because it wasn't his idea. He also plans on taking his bat and ball home.

22. The Knicks lost to the Bulls last night 98-69. After the game, the Knicks accused the Bulls of running up the score. The Bulls give away free Big Mac's if the Bulls score 100. Methinks the Knicks were more upset when they heard they coudl not cash in, despite being spectators most of the night.

That's all for this week folks. Be back tomorrow with a recap of tonights Mets game.

Weekly Observations 4/4/07

1. Keith Richards claimed to have mixed some of his late father's ashes with cocaine and snorted them. Bud Selig immediately announced new testing measures to make sure no MLB players do the same.

2. Nancy Pelosi is in Syria, meeting with Syrian President Assad. Assad just wanted to see what it was like to meet with a woman who isn't wearing a burqua.

3. Iran announced the release of the 15 British sailors and marines they had been holding hostage for over a week, as a gesture of good will in light of Mohamed's birthday and Easter. You gotta give the Iranians credit, they know how to win a PR war.

4. Cardinal's announcer Joe Buck was presented with a World Series ring last night. Yep, an announcer got a ring. I guess all his homerism during Fox's coverage of the NLCS pushed them over the top.

5. Britney says that K-Fed was her biggest mistake. I guess she completely forgot about thinking she had talent.

6. Courtney Love had a nose job, in order to look less fake. I'm thinking she really needed it to fix all the damage from the coke, but that's just me.

7. I really didn't need to know that John Travolta and Kelly Preston write lists about what they want from each other, including how much sex.

8. Harlequin is holding tryouts for real men to be on the cover of their romance novels. I'm thinking the last thing women who read them want is a picture of some fat shirtless slob on the cover.

9. The FCC has decided to not allow cell phones on planes. Snakes are still OK.

10. After 500 days of rest, Carl Pavano started the Yankees opener. Of course, he sucked. He later blamed it on not enough rest, so he will push back his next start to opening day 2009.

11. A-Rod had the trifecta in the opener. Error. Stolen base. Two run home run with Yankees ahead by two runs.

12. Derek Jeter also made an error in the game, which led to a run for the Devil Rays. Yankee announcers blamed it on A-Rod for daring to be on the field at the same time.

13. After being blasted in their first two games by a combined score of 18-5, the Washington Nationals have forfeited the rest of the season.

14. Keith Richards is claiming that the story about snorting his dad's ashes was an April Fools prank. I'm sure dad would be proud.

15. Just for the hell of it - Looper is a Douche.


On a serious note.

Former Grambling Football coach Eddie Robinson passed away today after a long illness. Godspeed Eddie.

Weekly Observations 3/28/07

1. Billy Wagner has had quite a spring full of quotes. First, he said the Phillies are the best team in the East, but that the Philly fans will hold them back. Then, opining on the return of Mota from a steroid suspension he said that everyone cheats. I'm guessing Billy doesn't cheat, since if he did, he might not have blown all those games last year.

2. Oh, and Billy, little less talking, little more consistent pitching, OK?

3. Let's see, all the experts were worried about the Mets rotation, given the old age of some, and the youth of others. In the Bronx, the experts were giddy about Pettite being back (though he didn't exactly dominate the "weaker" NL), Wang rounding into form, the arrival of Kei Igawa. So far, The Mets have had El Duque miss a couple of days. The Yanks have had Pettite out for a week, and have now lost Wang for a month. Yet, the "experts" think the Mets win 84 games, while the Yanks will win 100. How's that work?

4. Katie Couric took a lot of heat for her questioning of the Edwards' on 60 Minutes over the decision by John to continue running for the White House despite the illness. Many have said Katie was too hard on them. I wonder if a man had asked the same questions if the same points would have been made?

5. Oh, in case you were wondering, yes, the Mets did age another week since last week. Experts now predict that they will finish last in the NL East as a result.

6. The Jets signed Andre Wadsworth, who last played in the NFL in 2001. I saw Uneccesary Roughness, bringing an old guy back only works in the movies.

7. Peyton Manning apparently acquitted himself quite well on SNL the other night, some saying he did better than any other sports star before him. I'm sorry, but nothing tops Joe Montana's "I'm going upstairs to masturbate" skit.

8. Peyton's only problem was he kept trying to change the skits with audibles during rehearsals, but SNL brought in Bill Belichick to confuse him.

9. PacMan Jones will be coming to NY to meet with NFL Commissioner Goodell. As a result, all strip clubs in NY will be closed for 3 days.

10. Martha Stewart is trying to trademark the name "Katonah" which is the name of a rich town in Westchester, for a line of furniture. Katonah inhabitants are against this, since they do not want to be linked to K-Mart.

11. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are planning to get matching nose jobs. Tell me why I should care about this.

12. Britney is apparently done with rehab. I'm trying to figure out, have more guys been in and out of her than she has been in and out of rehab?

13. Snoop Dogg has been banned from Britain, causing the cancellation of a tour featuring him and Diddy. I'm just trying to figure out, why the hell is SNoop touring with Diddy?

14. A report out this week states that pregnant women who eat a lot of beef may cause their sons to have lower sperm counts later in life. I'm left thinking, who signs up for this study?

15. A zoo in Thailand is trying to get a panda that won't mate interested in the act by showing it porn. The panda is said to have taken one look at "Deep Throat" and said "how the hell is that going to get her pregnant"?

16. The Soprano's wanted to film in NJ, but a local town was against it, since they felt the show put Italians in a bad light. Yeah, a TV show makes people think italians are mobsters. I can think of another series of shows that does the same thing. The News.

17. This just in, in an attempt to upstage the Jets signing of Wadsworth, the Patriots have signed Blair Thomas.

18. The NHL and NBC have extended their contract to air weekly games for a month and games 3-7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. All 3 fans who actually watch the NHL on NBC are thrilled.

19. A 7 ft 9" man in China has married a 5 Foot 6" woman. Too many jokes to list here.

20. The mother of a missing Wycoff NJ (a rich area) teenager thinks the boyfriend, from Patterson (a not so nice area) is involved in her running away from home. She opined "He does not belong in Wycoff". Strangely, she was not wearing a sheet over her head at the time.

21. The U.N. is urging adult men be circumsised as a way to combat HIV. Yeah, that'll work. You can't get guys to wear a condom, you really think they are going to let a doctor use a knife on their penis?

Weekly Observations 3/21/07

1. Former MLB Commissioner Bowie Kuhn died last week. I tend to think fondly of Kuhn, since he was the only Commissioner with the testicular fortitude to reject a trade the Yankees made for being too lopsided.

2. Dick Cheney's leg was bothering him the other day, the same one he had a blood clot in a couple of weeks back. There were worries about the clot travelling to his heart, but instead it travelled to an undisclosed location.

3. Pete Rose was upset to hear the Kuhn died last week, he had May 23 in his dead pool.

4. I stopped caring about the NCAA BB Tournament the moment Albany lost, which was at noon last Friday as soon as they stepped onto the floor against Virginia.

5. Never have so many been so elated over a loss in the NCAA as when Duke lost. Perhaps the only other loss enjoyed more was the Yankees in 2004 to the Red Sox. BIGGEST.CHOKE.EVER!

6. I have to ask, a lot was made of Phil Mickelson's choke jobs last year, yet when Tiger lost on Sunday, shooting a final round 76, not a peep about his choking. I smell bias against men with man-boobs.

7. Sorry, I have just been informed that Tiger does not "choke", he simply decides he does not care to win.

8. Dancing With the Stars had its highest ratings ever Monday, as 21 million tuned in to see Joey Fatone and Ian Zering. Wait, you mean people wanted to see Heather Mills? Why, its not like she only has one leg or something.

9. So let me get this straight. Investigating the firing of 8 US Attorneys is not important. But investigating the firing of the White House Travel staff is?

10. So the Maple Leafs got revenge against Cam Jannsenn last night for his dirty hit on Tomas Kaberle. Hey Magoo, isn't that premeditated goonery? Shouldn't Wade Belak be suspended? Or was Jannsenn ask for it by daring to step on the ice?

11. Nassau County DA Karen Rice has decided to not press charges against Chris Simon for his hit on Ryan Hollweg. Hollweg decided he did not want to persue the matter, and Rice decided that she has other crimes more important to look into, like rape and murder.

12. Britney has left rehab. Bar Owners in California are rejoicing!

13. At the Mets game last night in Port St. Lucie, a fan decided to yell "A-Rod is better" as David Wright came to bat in the third inning. At what, choking with RISP?

14. During a broadcast of a Tom Brokaw special about Health on NBC last week, an affiliate in Arizona showed some hard core porn. The worker was fired, since he did not leave it on long enough to generate any ratings.

15. A woman on a flight from Delhi to London died in coach and was upgraded to first class. Wow, and you thought the $500 fee at the gate was tough.

16. Lastings Milledge cut his hair recently, in another step towards creating a better image. He then announced he was donating the hair to Britney Spears.

17. Note to El Duque, lets not run full out for a while, OK?

18. Andy Pettite could miss a start due to back spasms. Tell me again why the age of the Yankee staff is not a concern amongst the experts? Mussina is 38, Pettite 35, and Pavano, well, he just sucks. But the Met staff is old.

19. Doug Mientkiewicz is hitting a robust .077 this spring. Oh Dougie, you still suck. Tell me again why you hated the Mets?

20. Anna Benson has put her fat mouth in the spotlight again. She once again rails against the Mets for trading her husband Kris Benson for "a fucking bag of balls". Well Anna, they needed them, since you had Kris'.

21. Anna also said Kris is a 30 year old stud pitcher. What Anna fails to realize is that the bedroom does not tranfer to the field. She also said if she was a Mets fan, she would be beside herself. Well, this Mets fan is beside himself with giddiness that the Mets actually made it to the NLCS last year. Meanwhile Kris did what exactly?

22. It's OK Anna, you can crawl back into your hole now. I'm sure you can fit.

23. Isiah Thomas said that the Knicks were no match for the Dallas Mavericks. Wow, talk about a coach who knows how to motivate a team.

24. Zeke was right of course, as the Knicks lost 92-77. Then again, the Knicks aren't really a match for most NBA teams.

25. Several Pro Wrestlers have been named as having purchased HGH and Steroids in the ongoing on-line Roid case. Pro-wrestlers do steroids? Next you are going to tell me that the matches are fixed.

Weekly Observations 3/14/07

1. So Greg Maddux is ailing due to a mild lower abdominal strain. Seems Greg, who likes to give rookies a "golden shower" while in the showers, hurt himself sidling up to his next victim.

2. The new Nationals stadium will have Cherry Trees behind the left field bleachers. I'd love to hear Ralph Kiner say "He popped that one into the cherry" just once.

3. The Reds are unveiling a Pete Rose exhibit in their Hall of Fame. Among the items will be old uniforms, hats, bats and balls, along with his betting notebook and a copy of his book.

4. Rose still thinks his fans would love to see him reinstated. Of course, his fans are all bookies, but that's beside the point.

5. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez admitted that mistakes were made in the firing of 8 US Attorneys. He followed that quote with "what, you expect anything to actually go right in this administration."

6. Dick Cheney is healing well after being treated for deep vein thrombosis (a blood clot) which occurred after a recent long trip in Asia. Of course, he did not go to Walter Reed, since only veterans can go there.

7. Has the Anna Nicole Smith judge stopped crying yet?

8. I have a question for Paula Abdul, are any of the women on American Idol not pretty?

9. A-Rod said yesterday that NY fans will either ask him back or force him out. Now, we are talking about Yankee fans here A-Rod, so get those bags packed, and be ready to exercise that opt out option.

10. Carl Pavano made it through another start without an injury. More at 11.

11. So ESPN finally remembered that the NHL is around. Of course, only due to Chris Simon's dirty hit. Otherwise, ESPN could give a rats ass about hockey, concentrating instead on such things as poker, and the Arena Football League.

12. Glad to see Steve Phillips in is mid season form already. In other words, he is still an idiot.

13. Barry Zito stated in a forthcoming issue of Esquire magazine that he enjoyed the meeting with the Giants because there were no ego's involved. I guess that means Scott Boras was not in attendance.

14. Some are taking Zito's comments as a swipe at the Mets. Barry my boy, a little news flash for you, it's not nice to piss off Met fans.

15. Of course the Giants had no ego's when compared to the Mets, they SUCK!

16. The smart folks over at Deadspin (which I enjoy by the way), used the fact that Tina Fey went to Virginia as the rationale for their picking Virginia to beat SUNY Albany (alma mater of Ed in Westchester.) They overlooked the fact that Albany is the alma mater of Steve Guttenberg, star of the Police Academy films. OK, so maybe that is not such a good thing. Moving on...

17. Former NJ Gov Jim McGreevey is suing his ex-wife for custody of their young daughter, as well as for alimony. So, not only is he a "Gay American" he is an idiot. What judge is going to give a man who has admitted to cruising rest stops custody of his daughter?

18. Britney has apparently fallen for a guy she met in rehab. They had a lot in common, drugs, booze, lack of panties.

19. Iran is pissed about the hit movie "300". Then again, they're pretty much pissed about anything the US does.

20. In Iraq, the sons of Saddam have been re-buried near dear old dad. Ah, family, together in life and hell.

21. The Packers are looking into dealing for Randy Moss. Ah, that will go well, given the past mooning and all.

22. In case you are wondering, yes, the Mets pitchers did age another week.

23. Seattle Tight End Jerramy Stevens was arrested for DUI and pot possession. He immediately received a contract offer from the Bengals.

24. Lastings Milledge cut his hair last week, in an effort to further ingratiate himself to fans and media. If it works, A-Rod will shave his head bald.

25. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace came out this week against openly gay men serving in the military saying it is morally wrong. As for openly gay women, he said "no problem there, so long as I can watch."

26. Has anyone seen Aaron Heilman? This is turning into the newest game of Where's Waldo.

27. Ah, the Post. After Chan Ho Park's recent not so great outing, the headline read "No Day in the Park". The best in journalism in the NY Post.

28. Oh, Colin (Mr. Magoo) Campbell, time for new glasses. That WAS a fucking goal by the Islanders in the game against the Rangers next week. Fuck you very much. If they miss out on the playoffs by a point you fucking waste of space, it is your fault. Next time, pull your head out of your ass and look at the fucking replay. (YES, I'M VERY BITTER.) Hey Magoo, you are no longer employed by Dolan, so you can stop giving him the reach around.

29. Mr. Magoo is also upset that Brendan Witt questioned his review of the call, and the lack of follow up punishment for Donald Brashear, who punched Witt (who had his hands down) flush in the face with his glove on Saturday. Magoo claims that Witt had feigned a punch at Brashear just before the punch, so it was in essence deserved. That's great. So during the next Islander Ranger game, if Witt beats the piss out of Sean Avery, there better not be a suspension, cause Avery speared Witt earl er this season.

30. I still want to know how Magoo, who was an awful coach, got a job with the NHL.

Weekly Observations 3/7/07

After a missing week, the Observations are back.

1. In case you are not aware of this, the Mets have a few players on the team that are older than 40. Thanks to all the local NY papers for reporting that today, because we fans never would have known.

2. Moises Alou had his first spring training hit yesterday. Apparently, he had run low on his favorite hand lotion due to dehydration.

3. The Brother's Giles are apparently fond of shaving their body hair. I'm guessing San Diego is gonna need a lot of Drano for the showers this year.

4. John Rocker has been linked to the HGH scandal that is rocking the sports world. He claims it was prescribed to help his recovery after rotator cuff surgery. Even Barry Bonds thinks that excuse is lame.

5. Britney Spears apparently tried to hang herself last week. I can understand. I mean, when K-Fed is being viewed as a better parent, you're pretty much fucked.

6. This just in, the Mets have questions about the starting rotation.

7. The Islanders traded a couple of former first round picks and a 1st rounder in this years draft for Ryan Smyth, due to be a Free Agent at the end of the season. And we thought Mike Milbury was no longer in charge.

8. Carl Pavano made his first ST start without hurting himself. In other news, he also did not fall in the shower, did not trip over his shoelaces, and was able to recite the alphabet without hurting his tongue. No word on whether he has finally learned how to drive however.

9. Gary Sheffield expects A-Rod to have a great year this season. "I left him all my stuff from my locker, including the cream and clear."

10. Breaking news from Yankee camp, Jeter and A-Rod actually said "Hi" to each other today. More at 11.

11. The papers in Florida feel the Marlins pennant chances are hurt by the loss of Johnson for the first two months of the season. Really, I thought their chances were hurt by simply being the Marlins?

12. By the way media, other teams have some rotation issues as well. Like the Braves (Hudson and Hampton coming back from injury), the Yankees (Igawa? Pavano? Wang?). How about a little talk about them eh?

13. Jimmy Rollins is still an idiot.

14. The Mets are all a day older today, film at 11.

15. Why do I feel that after the Isles Rangers game on Monday Rick DiPietro was like Denis Lemiux from "Slapshot" in the locker room after the first period of the championship game?

16. "Scooter" Libby was found guilty of several charges in the PlameGate case. I'm thinking if he goes to jail "Scooter" ain't gonna find many guys with similar nicknames.

17. VP Dick Cheney was treated for a blood clot in his leg after some recent travels. The White House thought about blaming Iran, but they realized that even Fox News wouldn't fall for that line of shit.

18. Anne Coulter called John Edwards a "faggot" at a recent speech and claimed she is not sorry, because it is locker room talk. I'm just wondering how much time Anne spent in men's locker rooms, and what she did while there.

19. Bud Selig claims that even if baseball goes ahead with the Direct TV deal for the Extra Innings package, fans should not be upset, because they can still see their local team. I'm sure the folks in Alaska are real happy about that.

20. Pac Man Jones could be released by the Ravens in light of the recent Las Vegas shooting during NBA All Star Weekend. If Al Davis were still alive, he'd sign him to the Raiders in no time.

That's all for this week. Ed's a tad busy and there isn't all that much funny out there.

By the way, last week I got the invitation to my 20th High School Reunion. The letter noted that there are quite a few people from my class who they have not been able to locate. So, if anyone out there graduated, or knows someone from William Floyd High School in Mastic Beach, NY in 1987, drop a comment here so we can communicate about this.

Weekly Observations 02/21/07

1. In response to the many queries, no, I am NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I'm thinking at this point, it might be easier to track those who are not claiming to be the father as opposed to those who are.

2. Sylvester Stallone is under investigation in Australia for possession of HGH. Sly's response is that they were not his, the bag belonged to Mark Sweeney.

3. Britney Spears checked into and out of a rehab facility in the Caribbean last week. She left because there were none of her friends there.

4. Britney then found another facility in California, but heard that the carpets and curtains matched, so she shaved her head before checking in.

5. How fucked up is your life when your loser ex-husband is laughing with your ex-boyfriend, who, after dumping you then dated Cameron Diaz for a couple of years? No wonder she is in rehab.

6. Barry Bonds dared the Grand Jury to investigate him. He claimed there is nothing to be found. Where is Kenneth Starr when we need him?

7. The Mets are nearly done with their offseason sprucing up of Shea. The paint has been touched up. The field has been manicured, and a urinal has been installed in Moises Alou's locker.

8. Alou was asked what special diet he uses, and he said all he does is drink Lite Beer. It seems Lite Beer has less impurities, leaving cleaner urine for his special hand washing.

9. Jimmy Rollins once again stated that the Phillies are the team to beat. That's right Jimmy, other teams are looking forward to beating up on you again this year.

10. The Chargers hired Norv Turner as coach. Wow, and they thought Schottenheimer was an idiot.

11. Tim Hardaway is still a fucktard (thanks to Toasty Joe for the new euphemism.)

12. Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynihan, is having a baby. Tom claims that he is excited to be a father. But not as excited as he is to be fucking Gisele Bundchen.

13. The Big Eunuch claims that the NY Media wasn't nice to him, and that they caused him to pitch in pain, leading to decreased performance. I get it, it was the media who made his fastball slower, and his slider straighter. I'm waiting for Jose Lima to use the same excuse.

14. Sean Avery of the Rangers was bitching last night that Martin Brodeur gets the benefit of calls, while Avery does not. Wow, you thinks so Sean? You mean, a goalie who has won 3 Stanley Cups, and is acknowledged as one of the best of all time might get the benefit of a call over a complete asshole like you? Never.

15. The Bears let Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera go this week. Yep, nothing like getting rid of the DC who helped your team get to the Super Bowl, despite having Rex Grossman as your QB. Whose running the Bears, AJ Smith?

16. Michael Irvin was let go from ESPN this week. No longer will we see the mile wide ties. The bad news is that in addition to Irvin leaving, 5 transcript reporters were let go, since they are no longer needed to transcribe whatever the fuck it was he was saying.

17. MLB is unveiling new game caps, designed to wick away sweat better than the old wool caps. MLB Uniform Czar George Costanza has lined up many tributes to the effectiveness of the new material, and is working hard on getting cotton uniforms approved as well.

18. Tommy Morrison has been licensed to fight again, 11 years after being banned for testing positive for HIV. Morrison claims he never had HIV, and that the government planted the failed results. Morrison also claims that the government is also responsible for Rocky 5.

19. Donald Trump, that paragon of all that is good and pure, is involved with the WWE in a "Hair vs Hair Match" with WWE owner Vince McMahon. Each will choose a wrestler to be their proxy. The billionaire whose wrestler loses will have his head shaved. So maybe Britney was practicing for a guest appearance?

20. Aaron Heilman got a short haircut, which revealed a bald spot on the side of his head. Aaron said there is no truth to the rumor that Britney was the one who cut his hair.

21. Derek Jeter spoke yesterday on the most important topic in Yankee camp, the new practice caps, which feature a multi-layered interlocking NY and a white loop over each ear. Jeter does not like the cap, will not have it over for sleepovers, and will not share his limo with it.

22. A-Rod this week stated that his relationship with Jeter is not what it once was. Where the two once had sleepovers and went out for dinner, now they just do what they need on the field. Of course, this is mostly due to A-Rod getting married, and Jeter "dating" numerous models and actresses. Well, that and the fact Jeter kept refusing to let A-Rod try on his WS rings.

23. Heilman was also upset that the Mets did not assign him a parking spot. Mets officials stated that they just want him to park far away, so he is in shape for the jog in from the bullpen.

24. USC hockey goalie Mickey Meyer put on a show the other day, riding his stick like a horse, slapping his thighs, and then dropping trou. Charleston Chiefs coach Reg Dunlap quickly offered him a contract.

25. Meyer received a ticket for public lewdness. He then got a call from Sean Salisbury, asking if he took any pictures.



On the serious side, good thoughts for Brendan Shanahan. He might be a Ranger, but that was one ugly collision, and I hope the effects are not long lasting. Brendan is a great player, and I would hate for him to wind up like so many other hockey players with Post Concussion Syndrome.
Good thoughts for Mike Knuble, the other party to the collision. May both recover fully.

Weekly Observations 02/14/07

After a short winter's nap (OK, laziness), Ed is back with the observations.

1. War, famine, genocide, all took a back seat to the death of Anna Nicole Smith last week. Glad to see our priorities are in good shape.

2. Rupert Murdoch of Fox News announced that he is starting a Fox Business Channel. It will be more business friendly than CNBC per Rupert. The tag line, "We Report what we decide is going to make business look good."

3. Chan Ho Park has been signed by the Mets. The World Series is OURS!

4. I went to MSG Friday to watch the Rangers beat the Lightning. Sat in the second row, right behind the Lightning bench. Apparently, Ed has a bad influence on teams he sits behind, as the Lightning were zapped. Ed was not happy.

5. The only good thing about the night was being able to eat and drink on Jim Dolan's tab. Ed made up for a couple of months of cable bills.

6. Welcome to the life of a presidential candidate Barak. How's that foot taste?

7. Mariano Rivera demands some freaking respect. Mo wants to be re-signed prior to the start of the season, but the Yanks want to wait. Mo feels they will take care of him. Yeah Mo, just like they took care of Andy Pettitte a couple of years ago.

8. Sele, Park, Vargas, Burgos, Perez. Man, The Jacket better clone himself.

9. The Dixie Chicks won 5 Grammy awards the other night. I'm still trying to figure out who the hell the Dixie Chicks are.

10. The FBI has lost 160 weapons and 160 laptops in the last 44 months. Yep, these are the guys and gals protecting us from evil. Keep up the good work.

11. Deadspin posted a story where someone claimed Eli Manning likes to frequent call girls. Well, at least they won't scream at him if he is off target with a pass.

12. Kris Benson is out for the season after tearing his rotator cuff. Orioles GM Jim Duquette moved quickly to fill his spot, signing Steve Trachsel. So at least the O's have someone to lead the rotation in suckitude.

13. Hoping that Duquette was also looking for a way to replace Anna Benson, Jose Lima was anxiously awaiting the call. Lima Time! apparently forgot that even Duquette realizes he sucks.

14. The Chargers fired coach Marty Schottenheimer a month after announcing he would coach the team next season. Apparently, they finally got around to watching game tape of the playoffs, and realized that Marty sucks.

15. The Westminster Dog Show was this week. Bill Cosby's dog won a ribbon as best in its breed, beating out 0 (that's zero folks) challengers. It then lost the "Best in Show" title to another dog. Afterwards, the winning dog's owner was quoted as saying "Tell Bill to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up".

16. Peyton Manning was on Letterman, and said the Super Bowl felt "normal". Peyton apparently was hypnotized into believing this was a regular season game.

17. This just in, Rex Grossman still sucks.

18. Two players on Gonzaga's basketball team were arrested after cops smelled pot. During a search of their car, the cops found mushrooms. Of course, being that they are high profile athletes, no charges have been filed.

19. Because it can't be said enough - Braden Looper is a Douche.

20. David Wright reported early to Mets Spring Training. So did Pedro Martinez. Lastings Milledge did not, leading many Mets fans to say the he is cocky, arrogant, and undeserving of a place on the roster. Of course, the same will not be said about the other 22 players who have not reported yet.

21. The Cardinals will raise their World Series Banner and receive their rings prior to their opening night game against the Mets. They want to enjoy that winning feeling prior to the Mets knocking the living shit out of them.

22. The AP reported that Keith Hernandez will be on hand for the festivities. Keith was quoted as saying "Just like a women's place is in the kitchen, my place is with the Cardinals."

23. Tiki Barber singed a contract to be a correspondent for NBC on the "Today" show, and on NBC's Sunday Night Football pre-game show. I hope Tiki read the fine print where he has to report to all meetings 15 minutes early, and appear in full pads.

24. Braden Looper is a douche. (Yes, Ed has an irrational hatred of Braden Looper, why do you ask?)

25. More on Gonzaga. Apparently, the 'shrooms were in a baggie that was sticking out of one player's gym bag. Great institute of learning Gonzaga. I mean, shit, these guys can't even properly close a gym bag?

26. Beyonce is on the cover of the SI swimsuit issue. I have nothing funny to say about this.

27. OK, just kidding. It might be the first time a model's ass was bigger than her breasts. Mind you, I'm not complaining. Beyonce has a very nice ass. (man, I really hope the wife is serious when she says she doesn't read my blog. Just in case, honey, I did not write that, it was my evil twin skippy).

28. Carlos (The Greater) Zambrano told the media this week that if the Cubs do not re-sign him prior to Opening Day, he will walk as a free agent. He referred to himself in the third person several times in the interview, even coining a new nickname, the "Big Z". When did the Cubs hire Rickey Henderson to work with their players?

29. Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said that an active NBA player who came out of the closet would be an idol to many, and would be rich beyond his wildest dreams. Cuban said he hoped the player would be from his team, since he would know how to deal with it. The money that is.

30. Some NBA players were up in arms about the possibility of an active player being gay. They worry about the impact on the locker room. Don't these guys realize the important thing here, it leaves more groupies for the rest of them! Keep your eyes on the important things here guys.

So endeth the observations for this week. Hope you enjoyed, and remember, Braden Looper is a douche.

*addendum*

Why the Looper references you may ask? Well, Spring Training opens this week, with Pitchers and Catchers reporting. I'm just trying to get myself ready for the season as well. Yeah, I've practiced hate with the Rangers, but it's not the same, since they suck, and the Isles aren't much better. Baseball is where the vitrol really gets going.

I start out slow, just some long tossing from 120 feet with Looper. I'll then move closer, and hit on Pujols, LaRussa. Then, get on the mound and go at Larry Jones for some batting practice. Finally, game ready, and open up on the Yankees. So much there, A-Rod, Pavano, contract issues, Torre. And let's not forget the fans themselves.

As Metsradamus posted a couple of weeks ago, you have to keep the hate muscles in shape.

Weekly Observations 02/07/07

Direct from the frozen environs of NYC, your eagerly awaited Weekly Observations:

1. Two sons of Eagles coach Andy Reid were arrested last week on various charges. The good news is that the Bengals think they are ready for the NFL now.

2. John Kerry announced he is going to look into the MLB Extra Innings deal with Direct TV. He was very upset the Red Sox fans would not be able to watch their favorite team. Within hours, the Swift Boat Veterans for Satellite Truth put out an ad stating the Kerry is actually a Yankee fan.

3. Brett Favre is coming back next year. Opposing cornerbacks in the NFC are rejoicing, knowing the interception stats will be padded once again.

4. San Franicisco Mayor Newsome apologized for sleeping with the wife of his chief of staff, blaming it on the booze. Ah, the old beer goggles defense. It's good to know that works beyond college.

5. Wait a second, the mayor of SF is straight? Did the voters know this?

6. The NFL Network apparently replayed all of the past Super Bowls last week, including SB III. Thanks to douche Jim Dolan, no one in NY with cable was able to see it. Thanks again Jim. Hey, do you have another "Metro Traffic & Weather Channel" for us?

7. Loved the Budweiser commercial during the Super Bowl with crabs on a beach taking the cooler of Bud. Yep, drink enough Bud, and you could get crabs on the beach. Just like on Spring Break.

8. As if we needed more proof of how big a douche Bill Belichick is, retired Patriots linebacker Ted Johnson said this week that he was forced to play despite suffering a concussion. Belichick said in response "How the hell would he remember what happened, he had a concussion".

9. A-Rod has written a book "Out of the Ballpark" for kids. Yankee fans were estatic, as they felt it was an announcement that he was leaving the team.

10. The A-Rod book tells the story of a young boy who makes an error costing his team the game, but then helps them win later on with a big hit. So, its part non-fiction, and part fiction.

11. The target audience for the A-Rod book is young kids, reading at a grammar school level. Too bad, it will go over the head of most Yankee fans.

12. Rumors abound that Bill Parcells will return to the Jets in a consulting role. Of course, he could return, only to leave a few days later.

13. This just in, Rex Grossman still sucks.

14. Astronaut Lisa Nowak was charged with attempted murder after driving 900 miles, wearing a diaper to avoid having to make pit stops, and attacking her rival for the affections of another astronaut. Somehow, I don't think Huggies or Pampers is signing her up as a spokesperson.

15. Nanny Govt alert - a State Senator from Brooklyn is proposing a ban on walking while listening to an iPOD, talking on a phone, or using a Blackberry, claiming that the devices distract walkers. Wow, I'm so glad that this important issue is being discussed. I mean, who waste time on silly things like health care, taxes and crime.

16. Mark (El Capitan) Messier announced that he is moving back to NY, with an eye on becoming the next Rangers General Manager. Current GM Glen Sather said he is happy to hear Mark is interested. Just what the Rangers need, the leadership of Messier in the front office. You know, because it worked so well when he was de-facto GM his last time as a member of the team.

17. Of course, Ranger fans are happy Messier would be GM. The same fans who laughed at the Isles for naming a former player with no front office experience GM.

18. Nicole Ritchie is afraid that she will have to go to prison due to her recent DUI arrest. She's worried she would actually have to eat.

19. Another Bengal was arrested last week. Nice to see consistency in the NFL.

20. In order to ensure parity in the NFL next year, all teams will be required to have at least 2 players arrested during the season.

21. In recent weeks, the Knicks have faced superior teams not able to field their best lineups, allowing the Knicks to win. The Lakers missing Kobe at MSG due to a suspension. The Grizzlies missing Gasol. The Heat with Shaq.

22. Mike Piazza's wife gave birth to the couple's first child last week, a baby girl. Congrats to the happy couple.

Pitchers and Catchers draws ever closer. Ed is very happy about this.

Weekly Observations 1/31/07

1. The Jacket could have fixed Barbaro in 10 minutes.

2. In Spain, the government has mandated that all display mannequins in stores be at least a size 6, in order to help reduce peer pressure on young girls to be ultra skinny. They will also research 8,500 women to find the typical body type. Man, I bet Wilt Chamberlain is thinking he died too early. He could have got that done in a month.

3. Barry Bonds gave the SF Giants the option to void his new $15.8 m contract if he is indicted during the season. Bud (notsoWiser) Selig was immediately on the phone to the Justice Department.

4. The football Giants hired Chris Palmer as QB coach, in the hopes that he could help Eli Manning develop. Yep, that's a good pick, look at how well he did with Tim Couch and David Carr.

5. Kobe Bryant was suspended for one game after hitting Manu Ginobili in the face with an elbow in a game on Sunday. When asked to comment, Kobe said, hey, it could have been worse, I could have jizzbombed him.

6. More on Kobe. He was upset that the suspension caused him to miss the game against the Knicks, and that the league did not give him an appeal. He felt, as did coach Phil Jackson that he was not treated fairly. Tell me Kobe, how does it feel to be bent over and reamed?

7. Tank Johnson was allowed by a judge in Chicago to travel to Miami for the Super Bowl. One condition of the allowance was that Tank leave all his guns at home. Tank figures he can get one easy enough while he is there.

8. Mike Mussina said the Carl Pavano can get back on his teammates good side by being there and throwing every fifth day. What he did not mention is that Pavano needs to do it with another team, so the Yanks can whoop up on his lame ass.

9. Barbaro, still dead.

10. Donald Trump, that paragon of virtue, appeared on WWE Monday Night Raw this week. Nothing like good old fashioned values like homophobia and racism to make Donald feel at home.

11. More Donald. Tara Conner and Trump were negotiating with Playboy for Tara to do a spread for $1 million. She passed in the end, feeling it wasn't right. Now I get why Miss Nevada was booted for posing for racy photos with other girls, Donald wasn't able to sell them!

12. The Islanders faced the Red Wings last night, and goalie Dominek Hasek, who 10 years ago asked that Ted Nolan not be retained as Sabres coach. Rumor has it that Ted was "friendly" with Hasek's wife. Wonder if any Isles pulled a Reggie Dunlap last night.

13. Wait, you mean the Super Bowl is this week? And there are two black coaches? I never knew.

14. Hillary Clinton was asked over the weekend while in Iowa what in her past will help her deal with Bad Evil Men if she were to become President. Obviously, the questioner has been living in a cave for the last 20 years.

15. Bill Parcells is rumored to be joining the Jets as a consultant. However the sticking point is that he does not want to participate in mini camp or two a days.

16. American Idol has approached Courtney Love about appearing as a guest judge. They feel that by having her around, it will make Paula Abdul look less drug addled.

17. The "Fuck 'Da Eagles" girl is in Maxim this month. Pics are already on line. Alas, due to the amount of airbrushing required, Maxim will not be able to publish for 3 months while they await a new supply of retouch.

18. Speaking of bimbos, Lindsay Lohan has a new fellow rehab patient at her facility, Mike Tyson. A match made in heaven.

19. I'm waiting for Wally Matthews to write a story about how the Mets are mistreating Omar Minaya by not renegotiating his contract.

20. Victor Zambrano has signed a minor league contract with the Blue Jays. He is quoted as saying he wanted to pitch alongside John Thomson so he would seem good in comparison. Plus, they threw in a "Bobble-Arm" night to sweeten the pot.

21. Time for the SAT portion of the observations. Victor Zambrano is to Carlos Zambrano as Brett Lindros is to Eric Lindros.

22. Stan "The Maven" Fischler a few weeks ago said the Islanders were a good team and would make the playoffs. Then he said they were done. Now he says they will make it again. Stan is flip flopping like John Kerry.

Weekly Observations 1/17/07

1. Omar Minaya has satisfied his craving for Sosa. Thankfully, not Sammy, but nearly as bad, signing Jorge Sosa, most recently of the Braves. Thanks Omar, I thought we wanted Atlanta to have shitty pitchers.

2. As for Sammy Sosa, a rumored deal to have him play in Japan has apparently fallen through. A spokesman for the team stated that Sammy is a bit too fat to play there. Um, can you explain Cecil Fielder? Or Benny Agbayani?

3. A few years ago, the Islanders added the “Ice Girls”, a group of late teens/early 20 year olds who’s function is to clean the ice during stoppages in play and shoot t-shirts into the stands, all while wearing tight fitting shirts. The NHL took note, and will soon unveil tight fitting uni’s for the players. No words on whether the players will have to take their time bending over when picking up a dropped glove or stick.

4. The Rangers added Ice Girls as well. Apparently, Isiah Thomas was put in charge.

5. Brian Schottenheimer removed his name from consideration for the Dolphins head coaching job. Brian realized that, well, the Dolphins QB’s are just plain awful, and his system could do nothing to mask that.

6. Rumor’s swirl that Brian’s dad Marty may get the Dolphins job if he is fired as coach of the Chargers following their choke Sunday against the Patriots. Wow, and I thought Pete Carroll was going to do wonders for the Jets vs the Dolphins.

7. Ratings for the most recent season of “The Apprentice” are in the toilet. Wait, scratch that, I just got a letter from The Donald’s lawyers threatening to sue for slander.

8. Michael Strahan’s wife was awarded 50% of the marital assets, plus 20% of yearly earnings from their time as husband and wife. Strahan wishes that she had rolled over as easily as Favre did.

9. 24 is back and has retained its bite, as Jack Bauer returned from China and added a new piece to his arsenal, his teeth. Ah, and to think, no one thought he learned anything during filming of “The Lost Boys”.

10. Scientists are working hard to free some dolphins trapped near Long Island. Seems their offensive coordinator is nowhere to be found.


11. Diet pills for dogs may soon be available. I am just so thankful that scientists are working on this troublesome health issue as opposed to say maybe finding a cure for cancer or AIDS or some other less troublesome issue.

12. Meanwhile, over on The View... sorry, about that, my wife took over for a moment. Moving on…


13. The Patriots won Sunday, which of course means many more columns attesting to the awesomeness of Tom Brady, and more “I can’t wait to see the Peyton Manning Face” quotes from Bill Simmons.

14. Over at SI.com, Jenn Sterger continues to bring her unique talents (aka, large breasts and photos of them each week) to the masses. Last week, she gave her picks for the NFL playoffs (Chargers, Ravens, Bears and Saints), fielded a marriage proposal (she said no), answered a question about where to party in South Beach, and responded to a guy who asked if he should have a comedian and karaoke at his wedding, along with inviting Mr. Met (advised against the first two, but gave the nod to Mr. Met). If only I could be caught on camera with my chest hanging out, I could be on SI.com as well giving answers to those deep questions.

15. Todd Pratt has accepted an invitation to Spring Training from the Yankees. Glad to see the Yankees still bringing in young guys.

16. Prince will be the performer at this year’s Super Bowl. Yep, nothing says clean like a guy who used to have “SLAVE” written on his forehead and sang “Darling Nicky”.

17. Speaking of acts past their prime, Britney Spears has threatened, I mean, promised her fans that she will be back and better than ever. She’s hard at work on a new album or new material, no covers for Brit, in song or on her ass.


18. Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed. How messed up are you when your appendix wants out?

19. I saw Dreamgirls over the weekend. Pretty good, though every time I saw Eddie Murphy sing, I felt like I was watching the old “James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub” skit from SNL.


20. The NFL Network passed on the opportunity to use Britney Spears (not like that you dirty pigs). Apparently Brit was going to appear in a commercial. However, they feel she is a train wreck, so they are using that paragon of virtue and stability, Paris Hilton.

21. Barry Bonds denied blaming Mark Sweeney for providing him with the greenies that caused him to fail a drug test. Bonds denied ever blaming anyone else for his problems. Attempts to reach former Bonds flaxseed oil provider Greg Anderson were unsuccessful, as he is in jail.


22. David Beckham may be coming to the US sooner than planned, after Real Madrid benched him for signing a new contract before his was up with them. All 5 MLS fans are prepared to meet him at the airport.

23. Ali is lending his name and image to a new line of snack foods, shaped like boxing gloves, ring ropes, speed bags, and the expected top seller, protective cups.


24. Barry Bonds is still trying to hammer out his contract with the Giants. They are hung up on some language, mainly around his entourage. However, the real sticking point is Barry’s insistence on a “Player to be blamed later” clause.

25. A sex survey showed that Republicans prefer women on top, while Democrats prefer doggy style. Odd, I thought neither of them looked while fucking taxpayers.

26. Given the number of project pitchers the Mets have under contract and the demands on Rick Peterson's time they will require, it is quite obvious the Omar has cloned the Jacket.

Weekly Observations 1/10/07

1. The Mets announced yesterday that they have resigned Mike (.080 BA) DeFelice. Man, I'm sure glad that he is available in New Orleans to give the young pitchers added confidence when facing him at the plate. Too bad they will be other teams pitchers.

2. A scientist recently announced that he thinks the old Mars Voyager craft may have actually found life on Mars 30 years ago, but accidently killed it. Man, Marvin is going to ramp up his work on the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

3. Sean Salisbury was recently suspended at ESPN for taking pics of his *ahem* nether regions and emailing them around the office. I wonder if he asked Golic for a Man Rule ruling before hand.

4. More Salisbury. He, along with a host of other ESPN talking heads, are appearing in a commercial for Nutrisystem for Men. John Kruk also appears. Kruk of course fell of the wagon by stealing the free week of food from everyone else and eating it in one sitting.

5. Speaking of fat bastards, Mo Vaughn is in line to by a housing development in the Brownsville section of Brooklyn for $21 million, and to pump another $20 million into it to fix it up. One of the new features will be "Mo's All You Can Shove Down Your Throat Buffet". Man, I'm glad Mo is putting all that hard earned Mets salary to good use.

6. Can someone explain to me how Goose Gossage is not in the Hall of Fame?

7. I guess the Baseball Writers don't want to talk about the past either, eh Mr. McGwire?

8. Tony Gwynn is looking a bit (ok, more than a bit) large these days. If you noticed, they only shot him on film from the shoulders up, since they forgot the wide angle lens.

9. The New York Times recently ran a story on how the new NBA rules mandating high school players attend at least one year of college before turning pro are a good thing. Carmelo Anthony was quoted as stating hsi year in Syracuse taught him a lot, like how to be part of a team, how to handle social settings, and how to run away like a chicken shit after throwing a punch.

10. T.O. fired his publicist. I've gotta ask, who made the announncement?

11. Bill Belichick hugged Eric Mangini after the Patriots defeated the Jets on Sunday. During the hug, Bill asked Eric "wow, are those man breasts real?"

12. On his way to the hug, Belichick angrily shoved a camera man out of the way. Being the planner that he is, Bill had spent time studying film of Randy Johnson and Kenny Rogers to make sure he knew exactly what to do in that situation.

13. Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson pled not guilty to weapons charges this week. He was arrested after police found numerous fire arms and 500 rounds of ammunition in his house. One of the guns, loaded, was found in his bedroom. Tank needs better friends to help in with getting rid of guns, like Jayson Williams.

14. Oh, I know your waiting for the joke about the smell in NYC on Monday and a tie in to the Jets and (notso)Giants. Sorry, ain't gonna happen.

15. Jets fans rejoice, the Dolphins are talking to Pete Carroll for their head coaching job. Carroll claims he is not interested in leaving. And we all know how we can take college coaches at their word.

16. The Isles beat the Rangers for the 4th time this season last night, and the third at Madison Square Garden. The Rangers tied the game at 3, after which Ranger fans chanted "DP Sucks" in honor of Isles goalie Rick DiPietro. After the Isles scored 2 quick goals off Ranger goalie Henrik Lundqvist, they quickly went back to the old "Potvin Sucks" chant, given that is the best Ranger fans can come up with.

17. Randy Johnson, coming off back surgery, passed his physical, completing the trade that sends him back to the Diamondbacks. J.D. Drew immediately called the Big Eunuch, asking for the doctors phone number.

18. The SF Giants followed up the signing of Barry Zito with the signing of Russ Ortiz. Yep, those Giants are building themselves quite the rotation there.

19. Eric Mangini declined to annoint Chad Pennington his starting QB for next season. Eric said it will be an open competition, with Chad, Kellen Clemens, and a couple of guys who looked good on Sesame Street.

20. Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell continued their war of words this week. Someone please duct tape their mouths shut and put America out of its misery.

21. Jason Kidd filed for divorce, claiming his wife abused him. Can we get a man ruling on a pro hoops playing saying his wife kicks his ass in public?

22. Yeah, I guess Florida didn't deserve to play Ohio State. They deserved some real competition.

23. NASCAR is going to announce.... I'm sorry, for a second there I thought people cared about NASCAR. SOrry about that.

24. Mike Lupica today brought his knowledge of war and the military to the news section of the Daily News, writing a column about the planned increase in troops for Iraq. The column went awry when he tried to blame the mess in Iraq on Isiah Thomas, the Dolan's and Tom Coughlin.

25. Lupica thinks that Eric Mangini is the right guy to lead the military in Iraq, feeling that his demeanor and attention to detail would allow him to root out the insurgents.

26. Karim Garcia has signed with the Phillies. Garcia is known for his hitting, of fans that taunt opposing teams that is. How will he react when the fans in Philly taunt him?

Weekly Observations 1/03/07

1. So someone videotaped the hanging of Saddam Hussein, capturing the whole thing live, including taunts to the former dictator by his executioners. The Iraqi government has promised an investigation into this, as they feel it was in bad form to taunt. The worst part was, after he swang, the masked men gathered around and did the "jump shot" sack celebration dance made popular by the (notso)Giants.

2. A US Study has shown that teens tend to binge drink. Ladies and gentlemen, your tax dollars at work! They needed a study to show this?

3. A guy in Germany traded his step-daughters dog for $53 worth of beer at a bar. That's a lot of beer. The bar owner returned the dog once he found out the facts behind it. Well, that, and he found that the dog wasn't bar-trained. Yep, the dog had a free flowing tap. Much like the guy himslef, after drinking $53 worth of beer.

4. You know, this Saddam thing has me thinking (shaddup). So he was taunted prior to dying. What are they going to do to make it all better, dig him up and hang him again in silence?

5. So Barry Zito decided to sign in San Francisco. Tell me, if a $18 million a year pitcher sucks in San Fran, will anyone care?

6. Revenge Bowl III is Sunday at 1 PM, as the Jets face the Patriots. Belichicken vs the Mangenius. In the event of a tie, the game will be decided by a hot dog eating contest between the two coaches.

7. Note to all NFL analysts - you can stop slurping Tony Romo now.

8. Romo went from "Hot" to "Not" quicker than Britney Spears following her jettisoning of Federline.

9. This just in, Saddam Hussein is still dead.

10. Is anyone else wondering if Betty Ford hit the bottle this past week?

11. Britney Spears apparently fainted on New Years Day, shortly after hosting a party. Her "handlers" claim it was just exhaustion, saying that mothers get tired quickly. Yep, they sure do, when the kids are at home with a nanny while Mommy is doing jello shots off the belly of Paris Hilton while sans panties.

12. Doctors say that Barbaro is healing nicely, and should live a "comfortable" life. C'mon now, what does this horse really have to do besides bang some mares?

13. Nick Saban has been offered the Alabama Crimson Tide head coaching job. This is bad news for the rest of the AFC East, who are hoping to petition the league and school to allow Saban to continue as Dolphins coach for the first 8 games of each season, when he does his best work, at least in the eyes of his opponents.

14. So Michigan got smacked around by USC, ending all thoughts that they should have had a rematch with THE Ohio State University. Of course, they blamed sadness over the death of Gerald Ford for the loss, much like they blamed the death of former coach Bo Schlembecher for the loss to OSU a few weeks ago. I wonder, if they lose their first game next season, will it be because of Saddam?

15. President Bush is calling for bipartisanship with the Democratic controlled Congress. He ran on that platform in 2000, so he figured it was time to actually try to live up to that part of his platform, now that he has to.

16. The Yankees continue to try and trade the Big Eunuch to the Diamondbacks. This would allow them to free up money to sign Roger Clemens midway through the season, once Roger is able to get himself into game shape and be able to pitch 5 innings a start for $20 million. Fiscal restraint in the Bronx - Love It!

17. After shutting out the Rangers last week, the Islanders have proceeded to lose 4 straight, including back to back shutouts. Man, this team is as up and down as Lindsay Lohan's blood alcohol content.

18. Dolls depicting the actresses on Desperate Housewives are going to be on store shelves shortly. I'm wondering if there will be a Terrell Owens doll in the box with the Nicolette Sheridan doll?

19. Bill Parcells said he was never as disappointed as he was after the Cowboys shat the bed the other day in a loss to the Lions. Tell that to Lions fans, who actually lost the chance to pick #1 overall due to the win.

20. Matt Millen has stated that ownership is going to keep him on the job, given the progress the team has made. President Bush gave him a vote of confidence in a phone call - You're doing a great job Milly!

21. Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell continued to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

22. Guns and Roses announced that the long awaited "Chinese Democracy" Album will be delayed. Again. Expected release date is around the same time we see actual democracy in China.

23. Miss Nevada had her crown taken off, as the result of some pictures that surfaced on the web of her taking off other pieces of clothing, as well as simulating oral sex on men and women. Trump said, we can't have her out there as a role model, when we have someone like Tara Conner already filling the role of drunken slut.

Weekly Observations 12/28/06

A Day late, but not short on laughs (I hope)

1. Sad news, on Christmas Day, James Brown died. His last words were "I'm gonna step back, kiss myself, goodbye aaayyyeee".

2. Brown's wife (his 4th) was prevented from looting, I mean, entering his home shortly after his death.

3. Tony Kornheiser spent prety much the entire game Monday night bashing the arm strength of Chad Pennington. Funny, I thought analysts were supposed to tell us something we DIDN"T know.

4. The Yankees, in an effort to cut payroll, are trying to trade the Big Eunich. The Padres, Diamondbacks and a team to be brought up out of nowhere by Scott Boras are in the mix to obtain him.

5. Boras is not Johnson's agent, but c'mon, how can I not write a gratuitous slam at Boras?

6. The Islanders, in what has become a happy ritual this season, beat the Rangers this week, for their third win in 3 games versus the Blueshirts this year. I have no joke here, just happy to write the the Isles are treating the Rangers like rented mules again.

7. To hear the Jets talk this week, you would think Ken Stabler was the Raiders QB. Thankfully, it is Aaron Brooks.

8. Leon Washington had to run a lot of laps in pre-season, due to dropped passes and fumbles. The practice has paid off, as he ran circles around the Dolphins on Monday night.

9. Let's keep good thoughts about Bobby Murcer, who is undergoing surgery today to remove a brain tumor.

10. Is it too soon to make Gerald Ford Jokes?

11. Jason Taylor of the Dolphins is upset that Shawne Merriman, who was suspended for 4 games for steriods, is a candidate for player of the year on Defense. Wait, isn't Taylor the guy who played with Ricky Williams? And how many Dolphins have been suspended for drugs the past few years?

12. Speaking of troubled teams, the Bengals have had 12 players arrested for various infractions. Commission Goodall has spoken to the team about the issues. Players say locker room character is more important than off the field behavior. That is, until it costs the team games. What's that, it already has?

13. Knicks beatwriters are writing lovely pieces about how well they are playing. Um, guys, I thought your job was to bash Isiah? Perhpas Dolan has perfected the Jedi Mind Trick?

14. Rumor has it Zito may sign with the San Fran Giants. Wow. Talk about living in obscurity.

15. This jsut in, another team has entered the Zito sweepstakes, the New York Giants, the feeling is that he has to be better than Eli.

16. Someone tell me when Tom Coughlin is going to discipline a player for stupid fucking penalties that cost his team games, instead of blaming everything on Eli?

17. Jeromemymine had another drop the other day. There were two personal foul calls against Bob Whitfield, including his second of the year for head butting an opponent. But Coughlin is a great coach, who has not lost his team.

18. Chad Pennington played Monday night while battling the flu. He apparently threw up at one point. Tony Kornheiser claimed that Chad couldn't even get good distance on his spew.

19. The Texas Rangers have given Barry Zito until this weekend to accept their contract offer. Satan, um, Scott Boras, has already said no, citing 15 other unnamed teams that are prepared to offer more money.

20. Until now, Boras has owned Rangers Owner Tom Hicks, having Hicks sign Chan Ho Park and A-Rod to two of the largest bust contracts in history. Apparently, Hicks is sick of getting slammed by Boras, and told him to fuck someone else over.

21. Funny, after the first Jets Dolphins game, the Fins were stating they were the better team. After the last game, silence. I have the response for the Jets, Dear Dolphins, Go perform a physically impossible act of self-impregnation. Love, the Jets.

22. I'm still trying to figure out the point of interviewing Venus and Serena Williams at the Jets game the other night. Did ESPN really think we cared out their responses to the questions about how to deal with adversity on the courts and how it could translate on the football field? Cause you know, chasing a little tennis ball is a lot like getting slammed by a 250 lb linebacker. Then again, Serena knows all about the latter.

Have a Happy and Safe New Year everyone. I'll be back next week.

Weekly Observations 12/20/06

Lot's of goodies for this weeks edition.

1. Peter King at CNNSI asks if John Abraham is made of paper mache. In return, I have to ask this question of Peter, have you missed his entire career and only paid attention to this year?

2. A member of the Texas legislature is pushing for a bill that would legalize hunting for the blind. This would allow Dick Cheney to continue to visit.

3. Carmelo Anthony, during the brawl against the Knicks on Saturday, threw a punch at Mardy Collins, then ran like hell. Apparently, snitching isn't OK, but running away screaming like a girl is acceptable in the old neighborhood.

4. Isiah Thomas got off without a suspension, despite taped evidence showing him warning 'Melo to not go to the paint. None of the players would say he ordered the code red. Apparently, they all had gotten copies of 'Melo's "No Snitching" DVD.

5. Terrell Owens spit on DAngelo Hall the other night. After the game, he admitted to it on tape, then claimed to not remember. Wow, I haven't seen backtracking that bad since 'Melo.

6. Maddona has banned pheasant hunting on her estate in England. Apparently, she heard Cheney wanted to stop by for a visit.

7. A NJ Catholic School closed its doors early for Christmas Break (wait, am I allowed to call it Christmas break?) after several members of the wrestling team came down with Herpes Simplex 1. Now, for those who do not know the difference, Herpes Simplex 2 is only passed along through sexual contact. Simplex 1 is only passed around by rolling around half naked with someone else who has it. I'm sorry, what the hell is the difference between them again?

8. Over 300 people became ill after eating at an Olive Garden restaurant in Indianapolis last week. A Department of Health Spokesperson said "We are trying to isolate the cause of the illness". I've got it, how about the fact that you ate at Olive Garden?

9. Chad Pennington, Laveranues Coles, Chad Pennington, Ben Graham and Eric Mangini taped an episode of Elmo's World last week. For the first time, Chad wasn't the only one with a rag arm in the room.

10. Darryl Strawberry has weighed in on the Jeter-ARod situation. Straw thinks that Jeter needs to welcome ARod into the Yankee family. Make him feel like part of the team. Hey, Keith and the guys did it with Straw, and look how well that worked out for him.

11. Back to the Texas hunting license for the blind. The added benefit is that it would allow David Carr to keep his job.

12. Allen Iverson was finally traded yesterday, to the Nuggets. Yeah, I see this ending well, two ball hogs in the same lineup. That'll work out great.

13. Sad news from Sesame Street. Apparently, after the taping of the segment, Eric Mangini needed a snack, and roasted Big Bird.

14. Our long national nightmare is over. After a week of speculation that she would lose her crown, Miss USA Tara Connor, is being allowed to keep her crown by pageant owner Donald Trump. Of course, former Apprentice "stars" are using this as a chance to extend their 15 minutes of fame by claiming they should have gotten second chances. Um, right now, you are. A second chance to remind America that you are all fucking idiots.

15. Honestly, I did not even know there was a Miss USA, or a Miss Teen USA. Donald bought all the pageants, I guess so he has bullpen depth for when it comes time to trade in Melinia, who is Wife #3.

16. So, last night we had a rematch at MSG between the Islanders and the Rangers. Last time, the Isles jumped out to an early 4-0 lead after 1 period, causing Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist to pull himself from the game. Last night, the prospect of facing the Isles again caused him to pull himself before the game even started. The Isles won 4-3.

17. President Bush has finally admitted that the US is not winning the war in Iraq, something most of the country has known for sometime. Dick Cheney is furious that someone showed Bush how to turn on the news on a station other than Fox.

End Observations

Omar and the Gang (Celebrate good times, c'mon, let's celebrate. Ugh, now that song is in my head) are still in California, meeting with Boras and Zito. Some rumors say that a deal could be announced this week. Others say it will take until next week. I just want this to be over already, one way or the other. I want Zito, as I've stated before, but I just want this done.

I'll be taking the next few days off, preparing the house for Santa's visit. Be back on Tuesday.

Merry Christmas.

Weekly Observations 12/13/06

Sorry I'm a little late, still getting over the shock that the Mets did not tender Victor Zambrano.

1. Gil Meche signed a 5 year $55 million contract with the Royals. This begs the question, if you suck, but nobody sees you, will anyone know that you suck?

2. Isiah Thomas said last week that Knicks fans cannot understand the game the same way he does. Well, he's right of course, Knicks fans know when they see an awful team. The same cannot be said of Zeke.

3. More Zeke, owner Jim Dolan gave him a vote of confidence yesterday, stating that Isiah would be the coach for the rest of the season. This is good news for Knicks fans, as they do not have to worry about conflicts between games and other plans, they can continue to skip the games.

4. Vince Young led the Titans to a win over the Houston Texans the other day, sticking a dagger in the heart of the team that could have drafted him #1 overall. Texans ownership said "well, even Duante Culpepper, in a wheelchair, could have scored on that play. I mean, jeez, do you realize how much we suck?"

5. Nicole Ritchie was booked on a DUI charge the other night. And they say 1 drink never makes you drunk. Well, it won't so long as you weigh more than 55 pounds.

6. The Texas Rangers signed former Dodgers closer Eric Gange to a 1 year $6 million contract. Wow. Does Hicks realize Gagne has pitched in 20 games over the past two seasons? And did he not learn from the last time he signed a pitcher away form the Dodgers (Chan Ho Park)?

7. Rumors are rampant that Britneyt Spears and Paris Hilton are "friends with benefits". My question is, who exactly benefits?

8. Evel Knielvel is suing Kanye West, claiming Kanye's video for Reach the Cky used his likeness without his permission. Of course, I had to ask myself, who remembers Evel Knievel?

9. Allen Iverson has requested a trade from the 76'ers. Isiah Thomas is rumored to be interested, since we all know that the one thing the Knicks lack is an undersized point guard who is not a passer.

10. A recent study showed that bicycle riding, long known to affect male genetalia in a negative way, can actually have the same impact on women. They also found that the use of the new male seat with the hole in the middle would not be of benefit to women. Well, duh, why would a hole help with......

11. They even came up with a catchy name for the female condition, Huffy Muff.

12. Officials in the UK want to use forced contraception on grey squirrels, which are not indeigenous to the UK, because they are overtaking the local red squirrel. In related news, officials in the US hope to do the same to Hilton, Ritchie, Spears and Lohan. (Wow, that sounds like a bad lawfirm).

13. I was gonna make a joke about time running out for the owner of the Chiefs and the fact that his head coach is Herm Edwards, but even I have limits.

14. I hadn't been as shocked when reading the Mets did not tender Victor Z since I read the Yanks wanted to resign Andy Pettitte.

15. Speaking of Pettitte, he has a WHIP last year of 1.44, in that bastion of offense that is the NL Central. Wow. I'm thinking of starting a pool to see if he breaks 1.7 this year. And I mean on the low side. Enjoy facing the Sox and Jays 19 times each Andy. Hopefully his whiplash coverage is all paid up.

16. I keep seeing these commercials for "Rocky Balboa". I have to ask, the last movie had Rocky suffering the effects of too many blows to the head. I wonder if this is the case in real life, why else would Sly think anyone would want to see this movie?

17. Let's get this straight. Scott Boras is annoyed over the pace of negotiations with the Red Sox for D-Mat, yet he still had the time to get JD Drew signed in Boston, Gagne in Texas, have dinner with Brian Cashman, and have Barry Zito meet with Tom Hicks?

18. It looks like the long nightmare is over (no, I'm not talking about Zambrano again), D-Mat appears to have come to an agreement with the Sox. Such a relief. I wonder if Steinbrenner has his little voodoo doll yet.

Weekly Observations 12/06/06

1. So George Clooney's pig, which he has had for 18 years, died recently. Christmas Ham at George's house for everyone!

2. Hey Herm Edwards, still think going to KC was a smart move? Hey, Chiefs fans, still think Herm is a good coach?

3. In Fiji, a coup has taken place, with the military replacing the president and prime minister. Outrage is coming from all corners, and the UN has decided to get involved and restore peace. They will be sending Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka to restore order.

4. So rumor has it the Devil Rays are looking into playing several regular season games in Orlando. They figure that if they can get the game added to the Disney Park Hopper Ticket, they might just get 10,000 fans, breaking all attendance records.

5. NYC has banned Trans Fat in all restaurants. I'm glad NYC has their priorities in order. Fist, banning trans fats. Next, the scourge that is marshmallow peeps. Let's not worry about the little things, like getting the trains to run on time, and reducing crime.

6. The (notso) Giants adopted the Twisted Sister "hit" "We're Not Gonna Take It" as their anthem last week, after reports in the media of strife in the locker room. Michael Strahan was overruled, his vote was for "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.

7. The Red Sox are close to signing J.D. Drew to a 5 year, $70 million contract. Drew would presumably replace Manny Ramirez in the lineup, because, you know, Drew has a history of playing hard every game and not missing any time.

8. Barry Bonds' agent is miffed at the San Francisco Giants for signing other players before taking care of Bonds. The Giants responded "Who else is going to offer him his own recliner, equipped with needle disposal and an on call nurse to administer his "B-12" shots.

9. MSNBC erroneously reported yesterday that the Mets had offered a contract to Barry Zito. What, NBC reporting made up news? When did Dan Rather sign up with them?

10. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist pulled himself out of the Rangers game vs the Isles the other night, after surrendering 4 goals in the first period. Many wondered why he would do this. I found the answer. On the back of his hockey card, he names Steve Trachsel as his favorite player.

11. Britney Spears continues to made headlines for not wearing panties. This helped make her the top searched star on Yahoo. As opposed to be a star topped by the yahoo she married.

12. Speaking of K-Fed, his album has not even reached paper status.

13. Greg Maddux is close to signing with the Padres, $10 million for one year. As part of his contract, Maddux has the option to leave after 6 starts.

14. Paris Hilton is claiming that she wants to have kids. Just what America needs, more Hilton's.

15. A woman with a flatulence problem forced a Continental Airlines jet to make an emergency landing, because to hide the aroma, she kept lighting matches. Let me get this straight, so as to not upset the fellow passengers, she decided it was better to LIGHT MATCHES on a plane?

16. A recent headline touted the discovery of a photo of a black hole guzzling a star. Many web surfers were upset when they found the story was not related to the newest Paris Hilton sex tape.

Weekly Observations 11/29/06

1. So Chad Braford has left the Mets, signing a 3 year deal with the Orioles. Despite reports that it was the 3rd year on the contract that got the deal done, in reality it was the provision that he gets "firsties" with Anna Benson if Kris cheats.

2. So the President of Iran has written a letter to the American people which will be released at the UN today. Gee, I wonder if Bush could write a letter to the Iranian people and have the media publish it in Iran?

3. The Pope is in Turkey this week on his first visit. Protesters abound, many from environmental groups wondering why the Pope does not used a Hybrid Popemobile.

4. The Yankees have won the bidding to negotiate with Kei Igawa, a lefty pitcher from Japan. They bid $25 million for a #4 starter. Glad to see George has learned from his mistakes and is not overpaying for low quality players.

5. Archie Manning says he likes Giants fans and understands that they are upset with Eli. Wow, nothing like having dad fight your battles for you as a 25 year old starting quarterback.

6. The Post, that beacon of truthfullness, is reporting that Parcells is using words from Jeromememe Schockey to fire up the Cowboys for this Sunday's game. This despite quotes on ESPN from Parcells stating that words do not matter. Hmm, who to believe?

7. Michael Vick was fined $10 k for flipping the bird at Falcons fans after his most recent woeful performance on Sunday. He first tried to claim that it was a mistake, that he was trying to emulate Leon Washington and give the Falcons gesture of appreciation.

8. Ben Wallace, who left the Pistons for the Bulls, was fined the other day for wearing a headband despite team rules against such headwear. No truth that Jim McMahon has made one up for him with "Skiles" written on it.

9. Alfonso Soriano wants to play winter ball, and will ask the Cubs for permission. Yep, their gonna grant the $17 million a year man permission to play. Memo to Sori, think before you act.

10. Some jokes just write themselves. The Anaheim (don't call us Mighty, or Disney might sue) Ducks called up goalie Mike Wall when their two other goalies got injured. Yep, a goalie named "Wall".

11. In Mahopac NY, a man was accused of spray painting 3 goats and scattering porno around the barn they were housed in, as a way to annoy the property owner. He painted the goats genitals Orange. I really, really hope this guy is not a zealous Mets fan.

12. Here's something you don't see everyday, rapper Snoop Dogg was arested in California. The arrest happened as he left a taping of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. What, was he afraid Jay was gonna throw down?

13. Kid Rock and Pam Anderson Lee Rock are getting divorced, after a long 4 months of marriage. Apparently, Kid did not want to make a tape of the two of them having sex and then sell it over th internet.

14. Michael Richards is in trouble. Again. This time, he apparently claimed to be jewish, using that as a defense against Anti-Semetic jokes he made a few months ago in another stand up performance. Wow, this guy really knows how to piss people off.

15. The brilliance that exists in Washington continues to amaze. A guy who worked on the Judiciary Committee started dating a female staffer for a Senator. He found out a couple of weeks into the relationship that she was keeping a diary, and was dating 5 different men. Then she stated a blog "Washingtonienne", listing all the X-Rated details, but no names. Now, a smart guy would run away screaming, and forget all about it. I mean, no matter how good she was, when she being passed around like Paris Hilton, you run away and forget, right. Wrong. The guy decides that the "smart" thing to do is to sue the girl in federal court, because there is no chance that his identity would be revealed by doing that. Ladies and Gentlemen, the leaders of our country!

16. Tony Romo is being called the next Tom Brady. In related news, Eli Manning is being called the next Ryan Leaf.

17. K-Fed is being linked to "former" porn star Kendra Jade. It appears the two were acting out some scenes, whilst he was still married to Britney. I wonder if this is the sex tape that everyone was talking about.

18. Michelle Wie finished next to last in he latest mens tournament. I mean, at this rate, Arnold Palmer could beat her.

19. Tony (see no evil) Larussa continues to support Mark McGwire. TLR states that he would vote Mac into the HOF. "I believe in him" is the quote. TLR also belives in the tooth fairy, the George Bush won in 2000, and that he looks smart wearing sunglasses at night.

20. Many teams are trying to obtain Manny Ramirez. No worries Mets fans, Omar is not amojng the suitors. He decided that he has a buy labeled by the media a "me-first guy" already at a cheaper price in Lastings Milledge. And they are both as adept at playing left field.

21. Some guy called up WFAN on Sunday morning and stated that the Mets and Red Sox could help each other with a trade. The teams would swap Manny Ramirez and Carlos Beltran. To his credit, the host immediately realized that the caller was in fact Brian Cashman.

22. If I see one more poster for "Driven", the scent from Derek Jeter, I'm gonna be driven to ripping it down. That's a sure way to be seen as a tough guy, sell a perfume through Avon. Good move there.

23. Note to Omar, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, make sure that NO Met players appear in ads for "Fathead". The GQ story was bad enough.

24. Note to Brian Cashman - ignore item 23. Please allow any and all Yankee players to appear in ads for fathead. They are a wonderful company, and there would be no negative connotation in any Yankee appearing in the ads. Besides, Yankee fans need bigger pictures of Derek to amuse themselves with. So does Jeanne Zelasko.

25. Barry Bonds was the first player Fathead thought of, but his head proved to be too big already.