Weekly Observations 1/17/07

1. Omar Minaya has satisfied his craving for Sosa. Thankfully, not Sammy, but nearly as bad, signing Jorge Sosa, most recently of the Braves. Thanks Omar, I thought we wanted Atlanta to have shitty pitchers.

2. As for Sammy Sosa, a rumored deal to have him play in Japan has apparently fallen through. A spokesman for the team stated that Sammy is a bit too fat to play there. Um, can you explain Cecil Fielder? Or Benny Agbayani?

3. A few years ago, the Islanders added the “Ice Girls”, a group of late teens/early 20 year olds who’s function is to clean the ice during stoppages in play and shoot t-shirts into the stands, all while wearing tight fitting shirts. The NHL took note, and will soon unveil tight fitting uni’s for the players. No words on whether the players will have to take their time bending over when picking up a dropped glove or stick.

4. The Rangers added Ice Girls as well. Apparently, Isiah Thomas was put in charge.

5. Brian Schottenheimer removed his name from consideration for the Dolphins head coaching job. Brian realized that, well, the Dolphins QB’s are just plain awful, and his system could do nothing to mask that.

6. Rumor’s swirl that Brian’s dad Marty may get the Dolphins job if he is fired as coach of the Chargers following their choke Sunday against the Patriots. Wow, and I thought Pete Carroll was going to do wonders for the Jets vs the Dolphins.

7. Ratings for the most recent season of “The Apprentice” are in the toilet. Wait, scratch that, I just got a letter from The Donald’s lawyers threatening to sue for slander.

8. Michael Strahan’s wife was awarded 50% of the marital assets, plus 20% of yearly earnings from their time as husband and wife. Strahan wishes that she had rolled over as easily as Favre did.

9. 24 is back and has retained its bite, as Jack Bauer returned from China and added a new piece to his arsenal, his teeth. Ah, and to think, no one thought he learned anything during filming of “The Lost Boys”.

10. Scientists are working hard to free some dolphins trapped near Long Island. Seems their offensive coordinator is nowhere to be found.


11. Diet pills for dogs may soon be available. I am just so thankful that scientists are working on this troublesome health issue as opposed to say maybe finding a cure for cancer or AIDS or some other less troublesome issue.

12. Meanwhile, over on The View... sorry, about that, my wife took over for a moment. Moving on…


13. The Patriots won Sunday, which of course means many more columns attesting to the awesomeness of Tom Brady, and more “I can’t wait to see the Peyton Manning Face” quotes from Bill Simmons.

14. Over at SI.com, Jenn Sterger continues to bring her unique talents (aka, large breasts and photos of them each week) to the masses. Last week, she gave her picks for the NFL playoffs (Chargers, Ravens, Bears and Saints), fielded a marriage proposal (she said no), answered a question about where to party in South Beach, and responded to a guy who asked if he should have a comedian and karaoke at his wedding, along with inviting Mr. Met (advised against the first two, but gave the nod to Mr. Met). If only I could be caught on camera with my chest hanging out, I could be on SI.com as well giving answers to those deep questions.

15. Todd Pratt has accepted an invitation to Spring Training from the Yankees. Glad to see the Yankees still bringing in young guys.

16. Prince will be the performer at this year’s Super Bowl. Yep, nothing says clean like a guy who used to have “SLAVE” written on his forehead and sang “Darling Nicky”.

17. Speaking of acts past their prime, Britney Spears has threatened, I mean, promised her fans that she will be back and better than ever. She’s hard at work on a new album or new material, no covers for Brit, in song or on her ass.


18. Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed. How messed up are you when your appendix wants out?

19. I saw Dreamgirls over the weekend. Pretty good, though every time I saw Eddie Murphy sing, I felt like I was watching the old “James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub” skit from SNL.


20. The NFL Network passed on the opportunity to use Britney Spears (not like that you dirty pigs). Apparently Brit was going to appear in a commercial. However, they feel she is a train wreck, so they are using that paragon of virtue and stability, Paris Hilton.

21. Barry Bonds denied blaming Mark Sweeney for providing him with the greenies that caused him to fail a drug test. Bonds denied ever blaming anyone else for his problems. Attempts to reach former Bonds flaxseed oil provider Greg Anderson were unsuccessful, as he is in jail.


22. David Beckham may be coming to the US sooner than planned, after Real Madrid benched him for signing a new contract before his was up with them. All 5 MLS fans are prepared to meet him at the airport.

23. Ali is lending his name and image to a new line of snack foods, shaped like boxing gloves, ring ropes, speed bags, and the expected top seller, protective cups.


24. Barry Bonds is still trying to hammer out his contract with the Giants. They are hung up on some language, mainly around his entourage. However, the real sticking point is Barry’s insistence on a “Player to be blamed later” clause.

25. A sex survey showed that Republicans prefer women on top, while Democrats prefer doggy style. Odd, I thought neither of them looked while fucking taxpayers.

26. Given the number of project pitchers the Mets have under contract and the demands on Rick Peterson's time they will require, it is quite obvious the Omar has cloned the Jacket.