Weekly Observations 02/21/07

1. In response to the many queries, no, I am NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I'm thinking at this point, it might be easier to track those who are not claiming to be the father as opposed to those who are.

2. Sylvester Stallone is under investigation in Australia for possession of HGH. Sly's response is that they were not his, the bag belonged to Mark Sweeney.

3. Britney Spears checked into and out of a rehab facility in the Caribbean last week. She left because there were none of her friends there.

4. Britney then found another facility in California, but heard that the carpets and curtains matched, so she shaved her head before checking in.

5. How fucked up is your life when your loser ex-husband is laughing with your ex-boyfriend, who, after dumping you then dated Cameron Diaz for a couple of years? No wonder she is in rehab.

6. Barry Bonds dared the Grand Jury to investigate him. He claimed there is nothing to be found. Where is Kenneth Starr when we need him?

7. The Mets are nearly done with their offseason sprucing up of Shea. The paint has been touched up. The field has been manicured, and a urinal has been installed in Moises Alou's locker.

8. Alou was asked what special diet he uses, and he said all he does is drink Lite Beer. It seems Lite Beer has less impurities, leaving cleaner urine for his special hand washing.

9. Jimmy Rollins once again stated that the Phillies are the team to beat. That's right Jimmy, other teams are looking forward to beating up on you again this year.

10. The Chargers hired Norv Turner as coach. Wow, and they thought Schottenheimer was an idiot.

11. Tim Hardaway is still a fucktard (thanks to Toasty Joe for the new euphemism.)

12. Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynihan, is having a baby. Tom claims that he is excited to be a father. But not as excited as he is to be fucking Gisele Bundchen.

13. The Big Eunuch claims that the NY Media wasn't nice to him, and that they caused him to pitch in pain, leading to decreased performance. I get it, it was the media who made his fastball slower, and his slider straighter. I'm waiting for Jose Lima to use the same excuse.

14. Sean Avery of the Rangers was bitching last night that Martin Brodeur gets the benefit of calls, while Avery does not. Wow, you thinks so Sean? You mean, a goalie who has won 3 Stanley Cups, and is acknowledged as one of the best of all time might get the benefit of a call over a complete asshole like you? Never.

15. The Bears let Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera go this week. Yep, nothing like getting rid of the DC who helped your team get to the Super Bowl, despite having Rex Grossman as your QB. Whose running the Bears, AJ Smith?

16. Michael Irvin was let go from ESPN this week. No longer will we see the mile wide ties. The bad news is that in addition to Irvin leaving, 5 transcript reporters were let go, since they are no longer needed to transcribe whatever the fuck it was he was saying.

17. MLB is unveiling new game caps, designed to wick away sweat better than the old wool caps. MLB Uniform Czar George Costanza has lined up many tributes to the effectiveness of the new material, and is working hard on getting cotton uniforms approved as well.

18. Tommy Morrison has been licensed to fight again, 11 years after being banned for testing positive for HIV. Morrison claims he never had HIV, and that the government planted the failed results. Morrison also claims that the government is also responsible for Rocky 5.

19. Donald Trump, that paragon of all that is good and pure, is involved with the WWE in a "Hair vs Hair Match" with WWE owner Vince McMahon. Each will choose a wrestler to be their proxy. The billionaire whose wrestler loses will have his head shaved. So maybe Britney was practicing for a guest appearance?

20. Aaron Heilman got a short haircut, which revealed a bald spot on the side of his head. Aaron said there is no truth to the rumor that Britney was the one who cut his hair.

21. Derek Jeter spoke yesterday on the most important topic in Yankee camp, the new practice caps, which feature a multi-layered interlocking NY and a white loop over each ear. Jeter does not like the cap, will not have it over for sleepovers, and will not share his limo with it.

22. A-Rod this week stated that his relationship with Jeter is not what it once was. Where the two once had sleepovers and went out for dinner, now they just do what they need on the field. Of course, this is mostly due to A-Rod getting married, and Jeter "dating" numerous models and actresses. Well, that and the fact Jeter kept refusing to let A-Rod try on his WS rings.

23. Heilman was also upset that the Mets did not assign him a parking spot. Mets officials stated that they just want him to park far away, so he is in shape for the jog in from the bullpen.

24. USC hockey goalie Mickey Meyer put on a show the other day, riding his stick like a horse, slapping his thighs, and then dropping trou. Charleston Chiefs coach Reg Dunlap quickly offered him a contract.

25. Meyer received a ticket for public lewdness. He then got a call from Sean Salisbury, asking if he took any pictures.



On the serious side, good thoughts for Brendan Shanahan. He might be a Ranger, but that was one ugly collision, and I hope the effects are not long lasting. Brendan is a great player, and I would hate for him to wind up like so many other hockey players with Post Concussion Syndrome.
Good thoughts for Mike Knuble, the other party to the collision. May both recover fully.