The Return of the Observations

I’ll be typing some of these with my eyes closed. Helps the muscle memory. See if you can figure out which one’s.

1. So Hillary lost two more races last night. Bill’s depressed, because to save money, Hill is firing more interns. (my apologies, but I've got to use the easy ones from time to time)

2. McCain has basically sewn up the Republican nomination, leading to the possibility that Rush and Ann will jump off a bridge.

3. Andy Pettitte, the bestest, nicest, most honest cheater in baseball arrived in Yankee camp Monday and had an hour long press conference. He said he was sorry, felt badly and that he wanted to move on. The NY media of course proceeded to carry him out of the meeting on their shoulders.

4. The Islanders lost another defenseman to injury, making the count 4. No word on whether Ted Nolan is calling Denis Potvin to see if he can play.

5. Lindsay Lohan posed nude. Like Marilyn Monroe did shortly before her death. Was this really smart LiLo? On second thought, I forgot, we are talking about Lohan here.

6. Bill Belichek claims Matt Walsh, who was his videographer is a liar. Scott Pioli claims Walsh was fired for taping conversations. Walsh says, “that’s not true, I have the tapes to prove it.”

7. Last week, Roger Clemens appeared before a House panel investigating Steroids in baseball. We haven't heard that much talk about buttocks in the House since the Clinton andminstration.

8. I swear, I half expected Suzan Waldman to show up at the hearing and scream “of all the dramatic things, Roger Clemens is really showing how bad a guy MacNamee is.

9. Loved the semantic debate over whether MacNamee is a drug dealer. He is of course. I’m just thankful Chris Shays pointed it out. Next for Shays is to figure out if someone who drives a taxi for a living is a hack or livery driver.

10. Chris (Screaming Ninny) Russo and Mike (His Pompousness) Francessa both want to drive Shays out of office. Now, I know the two have a large following, but really, how many are smart enough to vote?

11. Nice prank the Phils pulled on Kyle Kendrick, making him think he’d been traded to a Japanese team. Of course, the Phils don’t get the real issue, which is that Kyle is so stupid he didn’t realize it was not possible. Hell, even the Screaming Ninny knows that. I think.

12. Carlos Beltran has named the Mets the team to beat, and said “Tell Jimmy Rollins”. Jimmy of course was too busy counting his WS share to respond. Oh, wait…

13. Hank Steinbrenner says that Joe Girardi is like Billy Martin, only without the baggage. Well, that, and the track record of being a good manager. But besides that…

14. After the hearing ended, Rep. Waxman said he was sorry that the hearings had been held, but that Clemens wanted to have his chance to speak. Clemens’ lawyer claims Waxman is misremembering the conversation.

15. Castro has resigned as President of Cuba, ceding power to his brother Raul. That makes two old decrepit dictators who are senile who have abdicated their rule. Wonder if Raul will make as many stupid comments and Hank S.

16. Jason Kidd has finally been traded to Dallas. In return, the Nets get a bunch of guys who suck, $3 million, two draft picks, and the carcass of Keith Van Horn.

17. Hank S went off the other day saying football has a big drug problem and should be investigated like baseball. The NFL responded by saying they have testing, and the program works. Yep, it’s a real deterrent, which is why they keep suspending guys who use drugs.

18. The sad thing is that I agree with Hank. Excuse me while I go break my fingers with a hammer.

19. This morning, Joel Sherman in the Post wrote that he wanted to be mad at Andy, but he’s just such a nice guy that he can’t stay angry. I half expected Joel to write “I tried to be mad, but when he looked into my eyes and spoke, he had me at “Hello””.

20. Fernando Martinez (THM The Hitting Machine) stated he will be in NY playing by the end of the season. I’m waiting for Billy to hang the “Know your role rook” sign this morning.

21. Careful THM, the NY media doesn’t like brash young men who seem too arrogant. See Milledge, Lastings.

22. As camp opens for the Mets, the big concern is not how healthy Pedro is, or how Johan will fit in. No. The big concern is with Carlos Gomez being traded, who is going to help Jose choreograph his dugout celebrations?

23. Remember everyone, think about the children. Don't let them grow up to be steroid users. Or blowhard congresspeople.


That’s all for this time folks. Ed will be taking a vacation next week. I’ll say hi to Mickey for you. And if I happen to see Steve Phillips at EPSN the Weekend, I’ll ask him how he has fooled ESPN into thinking he knows baseball.